Ten types I hate in a theatre

1. No, the first thing on the list is NOT the neighbour with the cell phone  ‘Knockin’ on heaven’s door’ at a particularly mellow moment in the film. The father of all irritants is the dork sitting behind you who takes the spirit of a ‘kickass’ film too literally and decides to relentlessly put the point across, through the metal and velvet of your backrest, straight into your rectal chakra

2. Those who think the ‘silent’ function on the cell phone is a quaint nuisance from 5000 B.C., like chastity belts

3. Those who think of the theatre as a day care centre and send their little angel to watch ‘The Dark Knight’ with someone whom the said angel obviously hates

4. Those who think of the theatre as a gigantic underground tunnel and have to fight their claustrophobia by breathing through the exit door

5. Those who bring their picnic baskets to the theatre and loudly regret not bringing Pammi along

6. Those who pay for the film on a pro-rated basis, enter only after the title sequence is over, and walk on about twenty pairs of toes to reach their seats right at the other end of the row

7. Those who come for a film because it’s too hot outside

8. Those who stare at you when you clap after a film

9. The ‘O bhaisaaaaa’b!!!!’ brotherhood

10. The really fat NRI mother and daughter who always buy the corner seats just to bully you

PS: List will be modified as and when



  1. I only first thought of #1, 2 and 4, but seeing these, I agree with EACH one vociferously.

    P.S. You missed out the kind who don’t sit for the credits to pan out. And that includes most Indians. Few things piss me off more, ESPECIALLY since public behaviour is a strong enough force that even multiplexes turn on the lights with the credits rolling.

    Fucking irreverent retards 😡

    1. Yeah, now that you point ’em out, I recollect that breed too. I think the reason for this behaviour is the media player epidemic – many pirated films do not have the end credits…also, most viewers of pirated films do not bother sitting through the credits because the concept of maximising your ‘return on investment’ is irrelevant to them. This is probably one of the reasons Hindi films these days have a song and dance routine with the credits. And people stay.

      But all that’s theory. In essence, they ARE fucking irreverent retards.

  2. Tanmoy,

    Oh I laughed in that throaty manner, with my head thrown back at the presentation of those….

    And the classic was…’Didn’t bring Pammi along’…..laughingggggggggggggggggggggggg…..

    Your writing is ‘funny’ from the word go!…


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